A Subject Information to the Many Types of Moral Non-Monogamy

Over the past decade, moral non-monogamy (ENM) went from a taboo subject to a extremely seen — and, in some areas, borderline mainstream — relationship construction. In late 2022 alone, an American politician got here out as non-monogamous, at the very least one celeb brazenly voiced an curiosity in ENM and courting app Hinge made it simpler for individuals to establish as non-monogamous, which many promptly did. Discussions of ENM life and dynamics are throughout Twitter and TikTok. Pattern items dissecting its recognition and prevalence are a dime a dozen. And some surveys counsel that upwards of 1 in 5 individuals in the US and Canada have at the very least dabbled in ENM.

But, hottest depictions of ENM have been — and stay — slender and problematic. Discuss exhibits and actuality TV traditionally put the deal with polygamous preparations by which a person married many ladies who didn’t (brazenly or formally) type relationships with one another. Current protection of ENM could have moved past that fixation, however it nonetheless tends to deal with “triads with two bisexual ladies and one man” who’re all in relationships with one another however not with anybody else, notes Leanne Yau, the founding father of Poly Philia, an ENM training and content material hub. “In actuality, that’s a really small proportion of the polyamorous neighborhood.” 

Even deep dives on the broad world of ENM solely make cursory nods in direction of different sorts of non-monogamous relationship dynamics. And all too typically, popular culture nonetheless portrays anybody who’s non-monogamous however not in a closed triad as merely commitment-avoidant and promiscuous — which is a far cry from what ENM truly appears like for most individuals. “Most of us cringe at polyamory within the media,” says Morgan Okay. of chillpolyamory, one other ENM training hub. “Monogamous writers see us as a automobile for sexual fantasies and cautionary tales.”

In actuality, ENM is an umbrella time period encompassing any particular person strategy to relationships, intimacy and any sexual or romantic dynamic that varieties between two or extra people who goes past conventional monogamy — as long as it’s brazenly, clearly expressed and consensual. “Non-monogamy is…not a cohesive neighborhood, or perhaps a single ideology — we aren’t a monolith,” Morgan Okay says. “If somebody tells me they’re non-monogamous, that prompts me to ask a number of dozen extra questions earlier than I can perceive what that even means for them.”

Folks have developed a staggering array of recent phrases to explain these various orientations and types. Deciphering this huge vocabulary “could be overwhelming,” Yau admits, particularly for ENM newcomers and outsiders. (After a decade spent practising and studying about ENM, I nonetheless often locate new terminology.) And each time ENM advocacy and training teams attempt to create easy guides to this vocab, they typically overstuff them with tremendous area of interest entries, but additionally under-define key phrases, assuming a bit an excessive amount of reader data. In the end, these insider cheat sheets are sometimes nonetheless tough for the typical particular person to have interaction with and and even discover within the digital wild.

To assist the uninitiated develop a extra complete understanding of various ENM dynamics and the distinctive terminology that surrounds them, we put collectively a concise but complete subject information to the sorts of moral non-monogamy. We reached out to a few dozen well-known and extremely skilled ENM practitioners and educators, and poured over a dozen ENM guides and useful resource hubs to make sure it’s as correct and nuanced as potential whereas nonetheless being accessible to finish ENM outsiders. 

A Phrase of Warning 

Though individuals have at all times practiced various types of ENM, the language we’re about to throw at you is comparatively new. Even the time period ENM solely originated circa 1990 and gained broad visibility by way of the 1997 e book The Moral Slut. “Phrases can shift and alter at a dizzying tempo,” says Dedeker Winston, the host of the Multiamory podcast and writer of the 2017 e book The Good Lady’s Information to Polyamory. 

There’s truly an ongoing debate amongst activists and educators about whether or not individuals ought to cease utilizing ENM as an umbrella time period and as an alternative use “consensual non-monogamy” or simply “non-monogamy.” InsideHook is utilizing ENM on this article as a result of, for now, it’s arguably one of the widely known phrases for the kind of relationship dynamics we’re discussing.

Even when individuals do agree on the definition of a given time period, static labels are inherently restricted of their potential to explain complicated, ever-shifting relationships in observe and movement. “Each one who practices ENM does it barely in a different way,” says Dr. Liz Powell, an educator and therapist who focuses on non-monogamous relationships. “A part of the great thing about ENM is the flexibility to let go of relationship scripts and discover what works for you.” 

Regardless, ENM phrases assist us speak about various and sophisticated experiences. However it is best to at all times take the definitions in guides like this with a grain of salt, and positively by no means as prescriptive guides for a way another person should observe a given sort of non-monogamy. And it is best to at all times have conversations with individuals about what the labels they use imply to them when you actually need to perceive what non-monogamy appears like of their lives. 

Polyamory 

Folks generally use polyamory as a synonym for moral non-monogamy, says Robyn L. Trask of the advocacy and training group Loving Extra. However whereas it’s additionally a widely-recognized umbrella time period for a number of distinct sorts of non-monogamous relationship dynamics, it’s truly a lot narrower than the actually big-tent idea that’s ENM. Polyamory actually means a number of or many loves, and thus particularly refers to an openness to the formation of a couple of romantic relationship — characterised by a deep emotional connection — at a time. 

Not all individuals who establish as polyamorous are actively in a number of romantic relationships. They are often single or concerned with one particular person, however open to the prospect of forming a number of new relationships. However this openness to further relationships doesn’t imply that polyamorous persons are at all times searching for companions, nor are they essentially having intercourse with a number of individuals, even when they’ve a number of loving relationships. There are asexual however nonetheless romantic individuals who type polyamorous relationships, for instance. And sexual individuals can typically type loving and dedicated relationships with out intercourse with a number of of their companions. 

However whereas all poly individuals share a perception in at the very least the potential for discovering and sustaining a number of romantic relationships, there are a number of distinct methods of approaching polyamory.    

Hierarchical Polyamory

On this type of polyamory, individuals brazenly and expressly differentiate between major, secondary and even tertiary companions primarily based on the period of time, help and common bandwidth they dedicate to every. They typically give extra weight or energy to at least one associate’s desires, wants and opinions over others when making overarching relationship or life choices, in accordance with their established place inside a relationship hierarchy as properly. 

As with all issues ENM, there aren’t any arduous guidelines — and even ubiquitous norms — about how an individual can or ought to divide their time or vitality between companions at totally different ranges in a hierarchy. Some major companions give one another veto powers, like the flexibility to inform one another to finish a relationship with a particular secondary associate with no pushback, and provides secondary companions no say within the nature of their relationship with folks in any way. However some poly individuals imagine veto powers are unfair and even outright unethical and essentially poisonous, and that everybody concerned in a dynamic ought to have some say in its general form. 

Folks typically assume there’s solely room for one major associate in a hierarchy, and that that is the particular person somebody could find yourself cohabitating with or marrying. Nevertheless it’s potential (albeit not quite common) to have two or extra major companions inside one hierarchical construction. Some individuals additionally don’t observe the relationship escalator, the method of measuring and marking the depth of a relationship by life-merging milestones akin to marriage or joint dwelling possession. So they could select to, say, cohabit with a secondary associate for sensible causes, whereas nonetheless devoting extra time, vitality and relationship energy to a number of major companions they don’t reside with. 

Non-Hierarchical Polyamory

Whereas this type of polyamory rejects the specific stratification of companions — and the concept of 1 associate holding energy over different relationships in a given dynamic — it doesn’t essentially contain the creation of strictly equal relationships. Non-hierarchy poly individuals merely strategy each connection they type as its personal distinct factor, and let it “grow to be no matter works for the individuals concerned,” Powell says. An individual could find yourself spending extra time with one associate than with others, particularly in the event that they find yourself cohabitating. However they’ll nonetheless attempt to take all their companions’ desires and wishes into equal consideration.   

Powell likens this kind of relationship construction to a pal group. “Folks within the group could have nearer connections to some fellow group members than to others,” they are saying. “However they’re every regarding the opposite individuals within the group as particular person individuals.” 

Solo Polyamory

Whereas this time period has grown extra seen over the last yr or two, the specialists we spoke to all agree it’s nonetheless maybe the least identified or understood type of polyamory. It’s typically described as a relationship construction by which an individual is their very own major associate, prioritizing self-care over conventional relationship enmeshment. However that’s not fairly proper, and it typically fuels the concept that solo poly persons are “commitmentphobes who’re egocentric and avoidant and don’t actually love anybody,” Yau says. “Solo polyamorous individuals reject the concept that, when you love somebody, it’s worthwhile to reside with them. You might want to put a hoop on it. They reject the concept of coupledom and the truth that all of us should be paired off to create the nuclear household with 2.5 children.”

That’s to not say that different poly individuals embrace each side of conventional coupledom; many don’t. However solo poly persons are so stringently in opposition to conventional coupling that they draw arduous strains in relationships and carve out time and house particularly for the upkeep of their unbiased lives. That is distinct from single polyamory, a time period that describes a poly one who’s simply not in any relationship now. A single poly particular person could also be inclined or open in direction of any sort of polyamory. 

Polyfidelity

Often known as a closed marriage group or a closed polycule. It refers to a bunch of poly people who find themselves all in dedicated and unique relationships with one another and who solely convey a brand new particular person into their circle with the enthusiastic consent of everybody concerned. This dedication could take the type of everybody in a polyfidelity dynamic courting one another (a circle), of 1 particular person courting two individuals who don’t date one another (a vee) or some other variety of direct relationship permutations, every described by a corresponding form. 

Normally, each member of this closed unit might be equal to one another, and thus there may be overlap between polyfidelity and non-hierarchical polyamory. However this isn’t at all times the case. Folks additionally typically equate polyfidelity with the idea of a thruple or a quad, a few of the mostly depicted types of non-monogamy in trendy media. However not all thruples, quads and so forth are completely closed off to exterior companions. They could simply be a core relationship unit that continues to be open, permitting members to exit and pursue informal flings or type exterior relationship dynamics. 

Polygamy

A dynamic by which one particular person (often a cis-het man) marries a number of individuals who usually wouldn’t have relationships with one another and defer most life and relationship choices to the associate on the heart of those marriages. Often known as plural marriage, such a relationship is sanctioned or inspired in some cultures and spiritual traditions, together with early Mormons and modern-day breakaway Mormon fundamentalists in America. Till comparatively not too long ago, it was maybe one of the best identified type of non-monogamy. Nevertheless, there may be not an excessive amount of connection between polygamous teams and trendy ENM advocates. 

Open Relationships

This describes dynamics by which individuals have a number of dedicated, romantic companions however have specific permission from their associate(s) to pursue intercourse exterior of their relationship construction. (It’s necessary to do not forget that not all non-monogamous relationships are open!) Totally different types of open relationships put totally different limits on when, how and why somebody can pursue intimacy exterior of their core relationship. However most put arduous limits on the extent of intimacy individuals can develop with extracurricular sexual companions. 

Some individuals undertake a “don’t ask, don’t inform” coverage, below which they don’t share any particulars with their associate(s) if or once they train their mutually-agreed rights to intercourse exterior of their relationship. That is typically framed as a method of avoiding jealousy or discomfort. However given ENM’s deal with open and express communication, many people unsurprisingly view this kind of rule as a harmful tact, sure to trigger relatively than keep away from harm emotions and misunderstandings. 

Monogamish

The prolific intercourse and relationship recommendation columnist Dan Savage coined this time period a number of years in the past to check with the surprisingly frequent observe amongst historically monogamous of us of opening up their relationships in response to particular circumstances. This encompasses {couples} who settle for that they will or will every sleep with different individuals in the event that they’re away from one another for extended quantities of time. (Some relationships undertake the zip code rule: if members journey to totally different cities, they’re free to experiment. Others solely open up within the case of a long-term, long-distance relationship.) They may additionally up their relationships to outsiders for threesomes or kink play, in both one-off or ongoing however clearly-restricted encounters. Or they provide one another a corridor cross to sleep with one or a small set of individuals they’re particularly interested in if the possibility arises.  

Some monogamish conditions can contain frequent sexual interplay with the identical associate that will begin “to look like polyamory,” notes Elisabeth “Eli” Sheff, a sociologist and relationship coach who focuses on non-monogamous dynamics. However regardless of the context, a monogamish particular person’s dedicated associate(s) will at all times “take primacy over different relationships,” she says. 

Swinging

It is a distinct non-monogamous life-style that developed within the mid-20^th century, which often includes dedicated {couples} swapping companions with one another. Some {couples} solely interact in comfortable swaps, which permit most sorts of sexual play with another person’s associate however attracts a line at penetrative intercourse, whereas others interact in full swaps. Some swaps happen in the identical room whereas others happen in separate rooms. Normally, swinging swaps happen at devoted events or venues like resorts or on couple-couple dates, with strict codes of conduct laid out particularly to keep away from the event of romantic emotions or unbiased intimate dynamics exterior of an individual’s core, monogamish relationship. Some {couples} who swing with one another typically can develop extremely shut as a foursome however nonetheless attempt to keep limits on entanglements. 

This sort of open relationship appears to be on the decline, seemingly as a result of the actual cultural context that gave beginning to it has handed and there may be now a far wider constellation of ENM approaches and communities for individuals to hitch. However rising ENM teams generally borrow swinging language, which could be complicated to these acquainted with this type of non-monogamy. “The time period within the life-style comes from the swinger neighborhood,” Wright says. “However persons are beginning to apply it to courting profiles to imply I’m in a polyamorous life-style.”

Informal Relationship

That is arguably one of the historically socially acceptable types of non-monogamy, to the purpose that some individuals don’t even see it as a kind of ENM. It describes of us who haven’t shaped at the very least one dedicated relationship however who exit on a number of dates with many individuals, typically constructing restricted bonds and ongoing sexual relationships with a number of companions. Generally, individuals date casually with a watch to discovering one dedicated associate for whom they’ll reduce off all their different intimate dynamics. However folks date round to seek out connection and pleasure with out searching for a devoted relationship. 

Ideally, in an ENM framework, individuals who’re casually courting might be upfront with everybody they get entangled with about the truth that they’re seeing or hoping to see different individuals on the identical time. However in observe, individuals who date casually typically take the restricted stage of dedication they’ve established with their companions as an excuse or type of permission to do no matter they like with out contemplating, consulting or notifying anybody they’re concerned with. 

Pals with Advantages

It is a well-known time period, but one with a considerably wobbly definition. It may possibly check with individuals with a longtime platonic friendship who determine so as to add a sexual element however don’t need to type a dedicated and emotionally intimate relationship. Or it could refer to 2 people with no prior connection who determine to type an ongoing sexual relationship (i.e., to turn out to be fuck buddies) that’s expressly not meant to evolve into an unique and/or romantic entanglement. Some buddies with advantages dynamics are closed, however most are open to at the very least some extent. They could additionally type parallels to or inside a wider relationship dynamic. Somebody in a monogamish relationship could type an ongoing FWB dynamic whereas residing other than their coupled, romantic associate, for instance.  However regardless of the specifics of the state of affairs, this type of (usually) non-monogamy often describes a selected mix of constant sexual contact and significant however restricted, non-romantic connection. 

Relationship Anarchy 

Sheff calls this “the least identified and understood” type of non-monogamy. “It sounds terrifying to most individuals, like a free-for-all with no boundaries,” she provides. Outsiders typically do describe it as a harmful do what thou wilt, no-labels strategy to intercourse and intimacy — the important thing manifestation of free-wheeling stereotypes of promiscuous non-monogamists. 

The truth is nothing practically so unruly. Coined within the mid-aughts in a manifesto authored by the Swedish activist Andie Nordgren, it applies mental anarchist philosophy to relationships. At its core, relationship anarchy rejects the elevation of some types of relationships over others, together with the concept that romantic or sexual relationships are extra necessary than platonic friendships. It advocates for treating each reference to one other particular person as a singular bond and for consciously negotiating and cultivating a bespoke dynamic with each particular person or group one grows near. Typically, relationship anarchists attempt to place as few guidelines or restrictions on these they’re concerned with as potential, Powell says, whereas nonetheless trying to acknowledge and respect emotional and bodily desires, wants and bounds. 

Relationship anarchy is such a versatile, contextual strategy to relationships that it resists straightforward classification alongside or comparisons with different types of ENM. One particular person following RA approaches would possibly find yourself in a dizzyingly complicated constellation of relationships, whereas one other would possibly develop “some very traditional-appearing boundaries,” Sheff says, that just about look conventionally monogamous from the surface. However the one who looks like a relationship anarchist’s major associate could, for instance, truly be somebody they’re not sexually or romantically concerned with, however they’re lives are enmeshed anyway.

Different Helpful Terminology 

Ambiamorous

This time period describes individuals who could shift from practising conventional monogamy, to opening up their relationships, to practising some type of polyamory — and forwards and backwards between these types — relying on who they’re with or the place they’re in life. 

Polycule

This time period describes the complicated webs that usually type between individuals who observe non-monogamy, which regularly seem like illustrations of complicated molecules’ atomic construction. Relying on how far out you look (do you embody one associate’s informal, conditional, occasional hook-up, for instance), these webs can develop extremely broad and complex. However there isn’t any set rule about who to incorporate when describing or diagraming out a polycule. It’s an deliberately versatile time period. 

Comet

A associate one solely sees occasionally, typically due to distance or busy schedules. Though individuals continuously view comets as informal sexual companions, they could nonetheless type shut emotional bonds.  

Polysaturation

A time period for the boundaries on what number of relationship dynamics an individual can stability unexpectedly. In some instances, these limits are semi-arbitrary, maybe set by a major associate in a hierarchical polyamorous relationship. In different instances, individuals come across their polysaturation line once they understand they don’t have the bandwidth for any further companions. It could be arduous to inform the place the road of polysaturation is for a person (as all of us have extra bandwidth at some factors in our lives than others), as not each relationship requires the identical period of time and bodily or emotional vitality to take care of it properly. 

Metamours and Telemours

A metamour, generally shortened to a meta, is a time period for certainly one of your associate’s constant romantic and/or sexual companions who you understand or know of, however with whom you aren’t additionally romantically or sexually concerned. Some individuals do type friendships with metas, Powell says, or want to type relationships with them ultimately. (Some of us name metas they’re interested in metamorsels.) A telemour is a meta’s associate who is just not concerned with you or the associate by whom you understand a meta. They’re, in different phrases, a part of a polycule net, however a spoke within the community that doesn’t tie straight again to you and/or your associate(s). 

Parallel, Backyard Celebration and Kitchen Desk Polyamory/Non-Monogamy

These phrases describe differing ranges of closeness between members of a polycule. In parallel dynamics, two companions could also be open and smitten by the truth that they type relationships with different individuals, however they don’t need to hear about or work together with these people. All of their relationships play out strictly parallel to one another, relatively than intersecting. In backyard get together dynamics (also referred to as celebration polyamory or non-monogamy), two companions learn about and sometimes work together with one another’s prolonged associate networks. Nevertheless, whereas pleasant, they is probably not shut with these metamours and telemours. In kitchen desk dynamics, most (if not all) individuals in a given polycule know one another, work together typically and even type supportive friendships.  

Anchor/Nesting Companions

This time period describes two companions who’ve determined to intertwine their lives in methods related to conventional monogamous relationships, like by way of marriage, dwelling possession, joint monetary preparations and youngster rearing. Nevertheless, the time period avoids the sense of hierarchy that often comes with referring to this particular person as a major associate. It displays non-hierarchical relationship values and approaches and the truth that the trimmings of a conventional unique relationship don’t at all times accord with conventional relationship buildings. 

Monocorn

A time period for a (largely) monogamous one who’s open to courting a non-monogamous particular person. They typically actively help and encourage their companions in further relationships however expressly don’t harbor any curiosity in pursuing different relationships themselves. Folks typically assume that monocorns are asexual, into cuckolding or have another very particular motivation or rationale for his or her openness to this seemingly imbalanced relationship dynamic. However some individuals merely like who they like and are comfy rolling with no matter works for them. 

Unicorns and Unicorn Hunters

The time period unicorn emerged, seemingly as a joke, to explain a really specific sort of associate that many cis-hetero monogamish {couples} appear to hunt once they need to discover threesomes, sure sorts of kink play and the like. Normally, it refers to a cis, bisexual lady who’s open to parachuting into a pair’s relationship for one night time solely or on restricted events. (Some individuals refer to those ladies as scorching bi babes, or HBBs.) The concept is that these people won’t favor one cis-hetero associate or one other and gained’t be round lengthy sufficient for anybody in a monogamish state of affairs to develop difficult emotions. 

Many ENM activists and educators speak about unicorn searching, the act of searching for out these of us, as a purple flag habits, because it typically facilities on what a pair wants from a great momentary associate — who they could deal with extra as a fantasy object than an individual — than it facilities on everybody’s desires and wishes. Unicorn hunters additionally are likely to hang-out courting apps, matching individuals with out making their needs clear after which propositioning them out of the blue in ways in which really feel a bit predatory. However Wright factors out that some individuals do get pleasure from appearing as unicorns for {couples} and that there are thoughtful and caring methods to hunt out and relate to those individuals (wish to search a 3rd for an evening). 

Cowboy/Cowgirl/Cowpoke

These are the male, feminine and gender impartial phrases for an individual who will get concerned with a non-monogamous particular person, both claiming that they observe or are open to ENM themselves or presenting as a monocorn, then tries to lasso them or somebody of their polycule into a conventional monogamous relationship as an alternative. This course of is usually related to guilting, gaslighting and different types of manipulation meant to subtly disgrace somebody into second-guessing their relationship preferences, progressively aligning them extra with the cowpokes. 

Troller

A time period for individuals who be part of ENM circles, or current themselves as considerate non-monogamy practitioners on courting apps, however who’re in actual fact simply searching for strings-free intercourse.